He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
