I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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