this beer tastes like vomit already
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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