i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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