Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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