Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
