Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
