Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
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What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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