Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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