The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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