the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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