Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just gift wrapped bread.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Operation Purity has been aborted
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
