Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
