When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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