woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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