I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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