We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
