i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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