He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
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Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
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He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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