is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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