After last night, I could never be a politician.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
