I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I have aggressive nipples.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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