Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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