I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
