I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
