Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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