VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
