So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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