And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
