I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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