I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
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