If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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