You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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