lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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