The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
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