why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
