One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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