I smell stomach acid.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
