fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
