my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
