Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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