I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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