It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
