im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
