Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
