I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
