You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Who died my cat blue again?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
