nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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