Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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