hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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