I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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