You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Blood and glitter go together right?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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