i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
