i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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