Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
