the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
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Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
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He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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