Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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