Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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