I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
