His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
