He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
