Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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