We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
